Debitas Legal

Posted onNovember 23, 2011 - 6:35 am by Admin | 0 Comments

But, for the 17th!! time today, I got a call - that's not including the 3 sms I also received!

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak with Mr X please?
Me: Oh, you said please, are you new?
Debitas: Is Mr X there?
Me: You're speaking with him
Debitas: Ok, for security can I just confirm your date of birth?
Me: Go ahead then...
Debitas: What is your date of birth?
Me: I thought you already have it
Debitas: Yes, but I need you to confirm it
Me: Why should I confirm it when you already have it?
Debitas: For security
Me: Who's security
Debitas: For our security
Me: Oh, so you don't care about my security?
Debitas: That's not what I meant
Me: Well you've upset me now...
Debitas: Can you confirm your post code?
Me: Hmmph
Debitas: Your post code?
Me: I'm not telling you
Debitas: This is not helping
Me: That's a shame, are you getting upset?
Debitas: Why do you not want to confirm your details?
Me: Cause they are my little secret
Debitas: These phone calls will continue until you confirm your details
Me: That's nice, I'm kinda enjoying them, you see, I get very lonely by myself
Debitas..
Me: I'm assuming your lonely too - what with working valentines day, did you get any presents?
Debitas: That is not relevant
Me: I didn't get anything, not even a card - but you guys have been nice enough to call me 17 times today
Debitas: Will you please confirm your details?
Me: Go on then, ask me what they are...
Debitas: What is your date of birth?
Me: I'm still not telling you
Debitas: Your post code
Me: Where do you live?
Debitas: I'm not at liberty to divulge that information
Me: snap!!
Debitas: We will call you again tomorrow
Me: I'm waiting with baited breath (hangs up)

Only 2 calls from them so far today, one at 8am and the other at 9am...

Me: Good morning, gonorrhea helpline - can I help you
Debitas: Is Mr X there?
Me: Sorry, this is the gonorrhea helpline, are you suffering from a burning sensation?
Debitas: Erm....
Me: Do you have a discharge?
Debitas: Uh...
Me: Have you been to your local STD clinic
Debitas: (hangs up)

Call 2

Me: Good morning, St Peter speaking
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?
Me: Aah, you'd like to speak to God
Debitas: No, Mr X
Me: Yes, he's known as god up here
Debitas: May I speak with him?
Me: Of course, I'll just check he's not busy with Beezlebub again
Debitas: Ok
I then keep them on hold for a few mins
Me: Hello, God speaking
Debitas: Is that Mr X
Me: I'm known as God now
Debitas: Er...Can I ask you a few security questions?
Me: Yes - I know everything
Debitas: Can I take your date of birth?
Me: I was born 13.7 billion years ago - at the same time as the big bang
Debitas: Is this Mr X?
Me: It's god my child
Debitas: Can you confirm your postcode?
Me: I'm everywhere
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: You're forgiven my child
Debitas: Is this Mr X?
Me: Are you wasting my time? I have famines and wars to sort out you know
Debitas: Can you please hold?
Me: No, I have satan on line 2
Debitas: (hangs up)

I wonder how many more calls I will get today?!

Just had the 10am call - looks like it's gonna be on the hour, every hour today!!

Me: Hello!! You're on the Dave show with me, Dave, for £10,000 answer the following question - who have been nominated the worst debt collectors in the UK?
Debitas: Er....
Me: You're live on air - I need an answer!
Debitas: (hangs up)

Oh, the 11am call came 20 minutes early!!

Me: Hello, trading standards
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X please?
Me: Who is calling
Debitas: It's debitas legal services
Me: Mr X said you would call, you're through to trading standards - can you tell me the registered address for your company?
Debitas: (hangs up)

Two more to report!!

Me: Hello
Debitas: May I speak to Mr X please
Me: Why?
Debitas: Er...I need to speak to Mr X
Me: Why?
Debitas: I can only discuss that with Mr X
Me: Why?
Debitas: It's confidential
Me: Why?
Debitas: Is Mr X there?
Me: Why?
Debitas: I need to speak to him
Me: Why?
Debitas: (hangs up)

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: I'm afraid he's just had a terrible accident
Debitas: Oh, ok, ...
Me: You see he was holding on to a barrel of bricks that was heavier than him and when it fell he shot up in the air...
Debitas: Uhu...
Me: He flew up 5 stories then the barrel hit the ground, spilling out the bricks and he started to fall again
Debitas: Can you ask him to call Debitas
Me: He's seriously injured
Debitas: Just pass the message on (hangs up)

And another one, so far they are up to 7 today! Wonder if they are gonna try and beat yesterdays record?

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: (singing) He's, In the jungle
Debitas: Eh...?
Me: The mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight
Debitas: Hello?
Me: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: (silence)
Debitas: (after a couple of mins) Mr X?
Me: (loud as can be) a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
Debitas: (hangs up)

Ladies & Gentlemen - call number 8!!

Me: Hello big boy (in my campest voice)
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?
Me: Oh, you've got a nice voice - are you single?
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: Sorry
Me: Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: Are you Mr X?
Me: Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: I need to ask you some security questions
Me: Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: Can you please listen carefully
Me: Oh, go on - just do it, you know you want to
Debitas: Do what?
Me: Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: No sir - can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: Only if you do it
Debitas: Er...
Me: Go on, I'm having a bad day and it'll cheer me up
Debitas: (meekly) What's up?
Me: No, it's Waaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Debitas: We'll cal you back (hangs up)

Call number 9!

Me: Oh hello - is that Debitas, I'm so happy you called
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: Yes, I've been really worried, apparently I owe you money
Debitas: That's right Mr X, in connection with your capital one account
Me: I must've forgotten clean all about it
Debitas: I'll just ask you some security questions then we can proceed to payment
Me: Oh yes - of course
Debitas: What is your Date of Birth
Me: (give them wrong DO
Debitas: Oh, that's not what I've got here
Me: What have you got?
Debitas: I've got the x of x, 19xx
Me: Oh no, that's not me
Debitas: Can you confirm your postcode?
Me: (give them wrong post code)
Debitas: Is that your current address?
Me: Yes - I've lived here all my life, why what post code have you got?
Debitas: We've got XXX XXX
Me: Nope, never lived there, how much do I owe you?
Debitas: £591.63
Me: Can I speak to a supervisor please
Debitas: I am a supervisor
Me: You're not the smartest supervisor are you?
Debitas: Sorry
Me: Well, that's 3 different pieces of data you have given me which goes against DPA
Debitas: Erm....(hangs up)

So happy I'm recording these calls - need to buy more memory for my phone!!

Call number 10 - think I might switch my phone off for a while after this one! Decided to go with movie quotes!

Debitas: Hello, can I speak to Mr X?
Me: You had me at hello
Debitas: Are you Mr X
Me: You talkin' to me?
Debitas: Mr X?
Me: Nobody puts baby in the corner
Debitas: I need to confirm some security questions with you
Me: Go ahead punk
Debitas: Can I take your date of birth?
Me: Say hello to my little friend
Debitas: What is your postcode?
Me: Do you want the truth?
Debitas: er, yes
Me: YOU can't handle the truth!!
Debitas: Mr X, you are not being very helpful
Me: Show me the money
Debitas: We may be forced to take legal action
Me: My momma said life was like a box of chocolates...
Debitas: (interupting) We will call you back tonight (hangs up)

And another call - was beginning to think they'd forgotten about me!!

Me: Erm....Hello....
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: Just a second...
Me: He's just finishing a sacrifice
Debitas: Uh...
Me: Oh here he is
Me: Hello?
Debitas: Hello Mr X, can I please confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: Who are you?
Debitas: It's debitas legal services
Me: What religion are you?
Debitas: What?
Me: What religion are you?
Debitas: I'm not calling to discuss your religion
Me: No - but I want to know yours
Debitas: Can you please confirm the security questions?
Me: Not until I know what religion you are - this might just be a trick, I know what catholics are like
Debitas: I'm not catholic
Me: Oh, so your a protestant then?
Debitas: No...
Me: So what, are you one of those bloody atheists?
Debitas: Can you please...
Me: Well tell me, what religion are you?
Debitas: (hangs up)

And another - they get more regular at this time of night - they must presume you've had a long hard day and are gonna give in easily!!

Me: Julius Caesar speaking
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: That used to be my name, now I'm known as Caesar
Debitas: (sounding resigned) Ok, well Caesar, can you tell me your date of birth
Me: How dare you take that tone of voice with the great Caesar
Debitas: What is your post code?
Me: My what? I have armies conquering the world - are you one of those saxons?
Debitas: I need to confirm your security details
Me: I have enough security - no-one can get near me
Debitas: I mean the details we have
Me: How do you know about the great Caesar?
Debitas: You used to have a capital one account, is that correct?
Me: A what? You saxons are all alike, you even named a cat food after me, stop insulting the great Caesar!!!!
Debitas: We are going to put this account forward for legal action
Me: I have the greatest thinkers of the world at my disposal
Debitas: Whatever (hangs up)

Surely you'd think they'd finish at 9pm, but no - the calls continue!!

Me: Hello, Gordon's Bordello Vegas - the hottest girls in town!
Debitas: Er...Hello?
Me: You're speaking with Gordon - would you like to book a massage?
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?
Me: Oh, Mr X is a very busy man - he regularly services our, well, services
Debitas: Is Mr X there?
Me: Oh yes - but he's telling me he doesn't wish to speak with you
Debitas: Can you tell him it's important
Me: I'll tell him when he's finished - I don't like interrupting our high spenders
Debitas: (sigh) Can you ask him to call Debitas
Me: Of course, and while you're on the phone, would you like to experience the delight of a vegas showgirl?
Debitas: (hangs up)

I reckon this will be the last one of the night...

Me: Thank you for calling Mr X - he might be drunk just now
Debitas: Can I speak with Mr X?
Me: You're speaking with him
Debitas: Oh...Can I ask you some security questions?
Me: No
Debitas: I need to confirm your details before I continue the call
Me: Well you'll just need to cut the call short then won't you?
Debitas: Can you confirm your post code?
Me: Nope!! Still you can call me back tomorrow
Debitas: We need...
Me: (interrupting) Actually, could you call around 9am, will save me from setting my alarm clock
Debitas: Can you tell me your date of birth?
Me: Will you call me in the morning?
Debitas: (getting frustrated!) we have been calling you all day Mr X, it seems like you don't want to help us resolve the issue
Me: What issue?
Debitas: Your outstanding balance
Me: Whoops! How do you know I'm Mr X?
Debitas: By asking you security questions
Me: But you told me I have an outstanding balance - do you know what, I'm calling myself Mr Y now
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: You're not speaking to Mr X, I was just pretending, I'm really Mr Y
Debitas: ok (hangs up)

Just the one today so far...

Me: Debitas Legal Services
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: You're through to Debitas Legal Services, can I take your name or account number?
Debitas: What?
Me: Have you received a letter from us?
Debitas: I'm calling from Debitas Legal Services
Me: Really - why you calling into the same office?
Debitas: I'm not...
Me: What number have you rang?
Debitas: 07xxx xxx xxx
Me: Well why has it came through on my office phone - did you dial for an outside line?
Debitas: Erm...yes
Me: I don't think you have, try again (hangs up

Call number 2 today!!

Me: Hello (grunt, grunt)
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: I'm kinda busy at the moment (grunt, grunt)
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: Well, I'm in the middle of two men (grunt grunt)
Debitas: (hangs up)

I feel dirty.

Call number 3!!

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak with Mr X?
Me: Do you not want to speak with me?
Debitas: I need to speak to Mr X
Me: Oh, well hold on and I'll get him

I put the phone down at this point and carried on watching the tv & eating a sandwich. So approximately ten minutes later...

Me: Hello
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: No - he's just coming, hold on

This time I put the benny hill music on in the background...5 minutes later...

Me: Hello?
Debitas: Ah, is that Mr X?
Me: No - I promise he won't be long
Debitas: Can I leave...
Me: (interrupting) Oh, here he comes, hang on

Again, the phone goes down and I proceed to have a 15 minute phone call on the landline to my best mate, telling him about this dumb debt company that keep calling...

Me: Hello
Debitas: Is that Mr X now?
Me: Who?
Debitas: Mr X (sounding really annoyed)
Me: No - I think you must have the wrong number (hangs up)

And time for the next instalment!

Me: ...
Debitas: Hello?
Me: Hello
Debitas: Is that Mr X
Me: I like goats
Debitas: Is that Mr X
Me: Have you ever really looked at a goat?
Debitas: What?
Me: Goats - you know, the farm animals, have you ever really looked at them?
Debitas: I need you to confirm some security questions
Me: Sheep!! I like them too
Debitas: Can you give me your date of birth?
Me: Moo-oo-oo-oo, do you know what animal makes that noise?
Debitas: What is your date of birth?
Me: I wonder how much a sheep dog costs
Debitas: Mr X?
Me: I had money put aside for my debts but I think I'll save up and buy a farm
Debitas: Can you tell me your post code?
Me: I don't think I like chickens
Debitas: Can...
Me: (interupting) They make a lot of mess and I wouldn't want a cockerel waking me up
Debitas: Are you listening?
Me: Oh yes - I'm just not taking any notice of you - did I mention I liked goats?
Debitas: This is very serious Mr X, you are at risk of legal action
Me: PIGS!! Oink Oink - now there's a funny animal
Debitas..
Me: And isn't it amazing just how much food comes from a pig?
Debitas: I need to confirm your security details
Me: Moo-oo-oo-oo!! Cows produce loads don't they
Debitas: I...
Me: Like milk and beef, oh beef with gravy - now I feel hungry
Debitas: I...
Me: I think I'll go make myself something to eat (hangs up)

And yet another - hopefully they finish at 7!!

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X
Me: Yes - just a second
Me: Hello - and merry christmas!!
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: Yes - I can't talk too long, the Turkey is coming out the oven
Debitas: I need to ask you some security questions
Me: What on Christmas day?
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: Why are you working on Christmas day?
Debitas: It's February
Me: Not here it's not, oh, are you calling from the future?
Debitas: Can you tell me your date of birth?
Me: I hate getting these calls from the future - what date is where you are?
Debitas: What?
Me: What date is it?
Debitas: It's the 16th of February
Me: Oh, it's Christmas day here - Merry Christmas!!
Debitas: I need to confirm your details
Me: Oh right, sorry, the brandy is making me merry *hic*
Debitas: Can I take your post code?
Me: Hang on - what is this in connection with?
Debitas: Your capital one account
Me: Are you a debt collector?
Debitas: We are
Me: I'm not in debt - oh, this must mean I get in debt in the future, that's a bummer
Debitas: I need to confirm your details
Me: You see, I bought a delorean and it took me back in time when I hit 88mph
Debitas: Wha....
Me: (interrupting) I'm celebrating Christmas just now, it'll be new year soon but I don't feel like celebrating knowing that I'm gonna be in debt
Debitas: What?
Me: Sorry, you probably don't understand this, it's the 25th of December 2007 where I am - you see I got transported back in time by my delorean
Debitas: You are at risk of legal action
Me: Oh, I'm definitely not gonna celebrate new years now, in fact, I don't even feel like having my dinner now
Debitas: I....
Me: (interrupting) Those chipolatas look so good too - with bacon wrapped round them
Debitas: Do you know how serious this is?
Me: Oh, I know! I'm in the past so I can stop myself getting into debt and then you'll never call me
Debitas: I...
Me: (interrupting) But then if I do that, you should never have called me in the first place - oh this is so confusing
Debitas: I....
Me: (interurrupting) I know what, I'll buy an Almanac and start betting like Biff does
Debitas: These calls will continue Mr X until you accept your responsibilities
Me: I wonder if O2 charge you extra for calling me in the past
Debitas: (hangs up)

They are getting brave now - only the one call from them so far today and this time he said he was a manager!! Fun!!

Me: Hello
Debitas: May I speak to Mr X?
Me: Who's calling?
Debitas: It's Debitas Legal Services
Me: You're speaking to Mr X
Debitas: I need to confirm your date of birth
Me: Hang on - can I take your name first
Debitas: It's Mr Mahmood
Me: Can you spell it for me
Debitas: It's Mr, them M A H M O O D
Me: Ok, and what is your job title?
Debitas: I'm a manager here
Me: Is manager your job title?
Debitas: Yes - now can I confirm your date of birth?
Me: Well, I've been through this with loads of you guys now, the simple answer is no
Debitas: (obviously annoyed) Listen Mr X, we have notes on our screen that tell me about all your calls...
Me: (interrupting) oh good - you can see it amounts to harassment then?
Debitas: We know your not Caesar or Jesus, we know this is Mr X
Me: Oh dear - you caught me!!
Debitas: (annoyed) now give me your date of birth
Me: Actually Mr Mahmood - there's something you should know
Debitas: What?
Me: Are you sitting down?
Debitas: (sigh) what?
Me: This is very important...
Debitas: What is it?
Me: Mr Mahmood.... (silence for about a minute)
Me: Mr Mahmood - (loud voice) I am your father!
Debitas: (sigh) Mr X?
Me: Yes - (choked up) son!!
Debitas: Mr X, you are not helping yourself
Me: I....
Debitas: (hangs up)

Seems like there is only one person left that is willing to call, I hope we become good friends!! I must point out the Vodafone advert had just been on.

Me: Hello
Debitas: Hello, is that Mr X?
Me: Yes
Debitas: It's Mr Mahmood from Debitas Legal Services
Me: Oh hello - how are you?
Debitas: I need to ask you some security questions
Me: What? Again? Ok go ahead...
Debitas: What is your date of birth?
Me: (singing, again!) I never thought I'd miss you
Debitas: Mr X...
Me: Half as much as I do
Debitas: Mr X...
Me: And I never thought I'd feel this way, the way I feel, about you
Debitas: Very funny Mr X....
Me: (louder) As soon as I wake up, Every night every day
Debitas: This....
Me: I know that it's you that I need
Debitas: Mr X...
Me: (louder still) To take the blues away
Debitas: ...
Me: (silence)
Debitas: Mr X, these calls will continue
Me: (silence)
Debitas: Now can I take your date of birth?
Me: (silence)
Debitas: Mr X?
Me: (I couldn't help myself) (practically screaming) a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
(Line goes dead)

They had to get another call in tonight!! I'm pretty sure it was Mr Mahmood again!

Me: It's astounding
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?
Me: Time is fleeting, madness takes its toll
Debitas: Is that Mr X?
Me: But listen closely, not for very much longer
Debitas: We need...
Me: I've got to keep control
Debitas: I need to speak to Mr X
Me: Speaking
Debitas: Can you confirm....
Me: I remember doing the time warp
Debitas: ...
Me: Drinking those moments when
Debitas: ....
Me: The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Debitas: (shouting) I need to confirm your....
Me: Let's do the time warp again...
Debitas: ...
Me: Let's do the time warp again
Debitas: (I'm sure I heard giggling) (hangs up)

I'm going mental - I was actually dancing as I done this one. Oh dear. Though I'm fairly sure I was on a speakerphone that time as there was an echo!

debitas: hello is mr x there?
me: you talking to me?
debitas: yes, is mr x there?
me: you talking to me?
debitas: YES, are you mr x?
me: Then who the hell else are you talkin' to?
debitas: huh? no one im talking to you, where is mr x?
me: Well I'm the only one here.
debitas: so are you mr x?
me: Who do you think you're talking to?
debitas: i dont bloody know i need to talk to mr X to ask some security questions.
me: oh yeah?
debitas: yes, so where is mr x?
me: huh?
debitas: mr x youre not helping yourself here.
me: ok. (hangs up)
Aww...now they are not even letting me get into a stride...

Me: Hello
Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?
Me: You're speaking to him
Debitas: For security, can you confirm your date of birth
Me: No
Debitas: Ok (hangs up)

Now where is the fun in that?

I think I've won.

To cut a long call short - I called them this time and gave them the account reference...

Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment

Absolutely astounded - though, they still need to remove the default from my credit record.

I'm not gonna know what to do with myself - maybe I should set up my own call answering company?

(I found this on the Martin Lewis Moneysaver's website btw.)


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